i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Tell the colonel to bring it