Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
You Might Also Like
get you a girl who
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids