Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Doctors texting each other.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

podcasts

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]