My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?