Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
We need to put an American base on the sun
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.