You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.