I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
TODAY
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.