JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.