Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
incredible book dedication
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
#Caturday
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer