H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.