Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
this chia pet tastes awful
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood