Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
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LMAO
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Bobby pin
so, is there a mister shapen head
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them