*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
😂😂😂
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.