Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?