Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
You Might Also Like
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Cats are still liquid.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats