Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
British websites use biscuits.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
somebody come look at this
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
The only equipped I am is ill.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!