Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
HELP 😭
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent