Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad