Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
You Might Also Like
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“Why you watching this shit?”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.