Driving in Europe vs Canada
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Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Mmmm canned fish.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Just a phase…