A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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Geez man, take it easy.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Sooo many times…..
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.