Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…