My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.