Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Looking at you, Jesus.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.