*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
You Might Also Like
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
True
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.