When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
and now we wait
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
there has never been a better use of this meme
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!