I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
You Might Also Like
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.