Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
You Might Also Like
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Something Saturday.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Good morning y’all ☀️
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.