me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
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I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
RT if you could go either way.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?