Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher