[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
absolutely not
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE