Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.