Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Here’s a meme
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.