My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?