Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
opening twitter today
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…