Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
i meant to share this earlier
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic