Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.