*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
You Might Also Like
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.