My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
good morning
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king