Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired