Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
#polloftheday
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.