“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
That eye roll….
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]