according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.