I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
same vibe as tangled headphones
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.