My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
#dnd #ttrpg
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.