Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
for all #parents out there
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
This week’s mood.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.