grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*