My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right