Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan