[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.